Two hours after Alison Cate found out she was having a miscarriage at a doctor’s appointment—after she sobbed in the exam room, and came home, and crawled into bed—she texted her boss to share what had happened.
“For me it was like, how can I go through this and not tell my colleagues? I’m a mess,” says the 37-year-old who works as a digital marketing manager in Des Moines, Iowa. “I realized how much talking about it was helping me cope.”
Family planning and fertility struggles were once considered topics to be whispered to close friends, or kept secret altogether. Now they’re coming to work.
Some employees are revealing pregnancies in the early weeks. Others are leaning on their supervisors during emotional in vitro fertilization cycles or flagging the dates of their embryo transfers, when they might conceive, to their teams.
Of course, some workers still keep their efforts to start a family secret, especially amid a recession that’s made many jobs precarious. But more women have been undergoing treatments in their bids to become parents in recent years, and many are tired of hiding the flurry of appointments and stress.
The number of assisted reproductive technology cycles—largely IVF—rose to 306,197 in 2018, the latest year for which data is available, from 231,936 in 2015 according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Former first lady Michelle Obama revealed in 2018 that she underwent IVF to have her daughters, and comedian Amy Schumer this January shared a photo on her Instagram account of the bruising left by hormone injections. Meanwhile, companies are rolling out benefits like egg-freezing and paid leave for pregnancy loss. The message to workers: This stuff matters, and you can talk about it here.
When Rebecca Grubman learned she had diminished fertility, she relayed the diagnosis to her CEO at the San Francisco startup where she worked, and requested two months of unpaid leave to freeze embryos. The 34-year-old says she realized her colleagues with kids were asking for flexibility and carving out time for family, so why not her?
“I didn’t feel like there would be any downside to sharing what’s going on,” says Ms. Grubman, who recently joined a new company. She says she plans to give her boss a heads up if she begins another IVF cycle soon.
Joan C. Williams, the director of the Center for WorkLife Law at University of California Hastings Law, says she considers younger women’s candor and confidence a sign of progress.
“Bless their hearts, it never occurs to them that this might be held against them,” the 68-year-old says. “My generation, we skulked around and hid it until we were just about to pop.”
Sharing still comes with risks, from awkward moments and insensitive comments to missed promotions and even job loss. Pregnancy discrimination has been illegal since 1978, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission struck settlements with employers totaling $22.4 million for victims of pregnancy discrimination from fall of 2018 to fall of 2019, up from $16.6 million from the year prior. Women in low-wage jobs are sometimes fired on the spot after announcing a pregnancy, according to a review of court cases from the Center for WorkLife Law.
Some women I talked to didn’t feel comfortable taking their stories public, or worried they’d gone too far in sharing at work. While undergoing IVF, one fretted her colleagues’ patience would run thin if she kept sharing all the setbacks on her road to parenthood.
“I feel like people are only compassionate and empathetic for so long,” she told me.
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Kim Scott, author of a forthcoming book about gender bias in the workplace, recommends employees think about how their teams respond if they’re out sick when assessing whether it’s safe to disclose fertility struggles. Are they supportive or annoyed?
“You want to make sure there’s not going to be a penalty,” she says. Consider the potential upside, too. Is there a chance that if you don’t explain, people might assume something else, like that you’re interviewing for another job when you’re actually at doctor’s appointments?
“One benefit is just to let people know what’s going on with you so a rumor mill doesn’t spring up,” she says.
After years of staying mum about her miscarriages, Phoenix accountant E-Beth Marshall said it was freeing to share what was going on with her boss, David Frome, the managing partner of accounting firm Frome & Co.
E-Beth Marshall stayed quiet about her pregnancy losses for years, but found it freeing to finally open up to her boss. She and her husband, Nick, are now exploring adoption.
Photo: E-Beth Marshall“I got to control the narrative,” the 36-year-old Ms. Marshall says. She found it easier to explain that her egg-retrieval surgery had been delayed by a few days than to make up excuses for needing random days off.
Mr. Frome, 67, says he appreciates her honesty and vulnerability, even if it was initially a little awkward to have the topic broached at work.
“That’s not a conversation I’ve ever had,” he says.
He quickly got used to the dialogue and became invested in the couple’s journey, experiencing the disappointments alongside them over years of failed treatments. When Ms. Marshall and her husband began exploring the adoption process recently, they asked Mr. Frome to write one of their recommendation letters. He immediately said yes.
During a July performance review, Mr. Frome went through Ms. Marshall’s recent accomplishments and goals, then wrapped up by asking what the latest was in her adoption process.
“It’s so normal now,” Ms. Marshall says.
Ms. Cate, the marketing manager in Iowa, says she felt incredibly supported after confiding in her boss at legal insurance provider Arag North America last fall. She went on to advocate for paid leave for pregnancy loss, which the company implemented in January, and relayed her personal story to others at the firm, including the CEO.
By February, she had happy news to share with colleagues: She was pregnant again. Her baby boy is expected any day now.
Should You Share?
How to talk about fertility issues at work, and figure out whether to speak up in the first place.
Consider the risks and benefits. Analyze both your company culture and your personal work situation, says author Kim Scott. For example, tread carefully if you’re about to go up for a big promotion. In other cases, sharing might help your career by quelling rumors you’re looking for another job or explaining emotional moments.
Think about what you want. Before launching into a conversation, know what you’re after from your boss—say, flexible work hours. That can help avoid attracting unsolicited advice, says E-Beth Marshall, an accountant in Phoenix who’s shared her fertility struggles at work. “I controlled what I was expecting from them,” she says. “I wasn’t expecting money. I wasn’t expecting them to fix it. I just wanted them to know what was going on and to be gracious with my schedule.”
Pick the right moment. Don’t launch into the conversation when you’re fresh off a failed cycle or are feeling emotional, says Barbara Collura, the president and CEO of Resolve, an infertility support and advocacy group. Prepare your points in advance and practice what you’ll say.
Don’t overdo it. Ms. Scott says she walked right up to the edge of oversharing when she was going through IVF as an executive at Google years ago. She recommends not crossing that line. Read the room and pull back if team members are uncomfortable. “If you talk about anything endlessly at work, it can be an unwelcome distraction.”
Know it’s OK to stay quiet. There can be lots of benefits to sharing—combating stigma, educating others about fertility issues, gaining the support of colleagues. But if it doesn’t feel right for you, right now, that’s fine. “Give yourself permission to not share,” Ms. Collura says.
Write to Rachel Feintzeig at rachel.feintzeig@wsj.com
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